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December
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December
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29 comments:
okay...
i'm pretty sure we could do a whole other Blog about everything that's wrong with Episode I (which we're maybe 20 minutes into) but we'd just be re-hashing everything every shitty fanboy has ever bitched about so i'll say this:
Neimoidians are fuckin' space banditos. what the HELL, George!
George is really laying on the poop jokes in Episode 1. Jar-Jar steps in shit: $9500. New alien farts in Jar-Jar's face: $8200. Reigniting a new legacy with shit jokes: Priceless.
~16 minutes of extended cut podracing is still too much. also, WATTO IS SPACE BORAT!
9:25am
Episode I summary:
ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER space banditos! ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER space borat! ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER podracing!ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER ROGER what the hell is darth maul anyway?
we're gonna need a LOT more beers for Episode II...
I don't even know how to feel about that film. Oh, oh wait, it was shit. Two things I hate: pseudo-science and lowest common denominator. Midicholrians = force, but everything else is magic... and poop. Always with Jar-Jar and the poop. Can you imagine being the animator for that? I wouldn't do it. I would walk away from the project and the mo- oh the money... right. I bet over $25 000 was spent on shots that actually ruined the integrity of the quality.
Magnets.
God damn.
11:46am
Episode II Summary:
CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES water planet CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES boba fett's dad CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES CLONES JEDIS JEDIS JEDIS JEDIS CLONES CLONES CLONES pre-star destroyers! CLONES CLONES CLONES
more beers for the angst ahead!
Clearly, ol' George has some tired old moves: line-of-sight magnets, People that hide in walls, and actually, a little more poop. Also, Asian culture is in. Also, those god damn droids need to learn a thing or two about hostages. When you have hostages, and someone comes to save them, you SHOOT THE HOSTAGES.
Lucas has a serious deus ex machina complex going on. Anakin gets welded into a machine... but the machine breaks for some reason. They're all surround by robots and going to be executed... but the clones show up. Dooku fights Yoda... then gives up because Yoda can do three spins in a single jump, but still walks with a cane.
Attack of the Clowns is right.
FORCE DON'T BREAK!
Hayden Christiansen is such a hunk. All the girls want him and all the boys want to be him.... you know, minus the teen pregnancy.
O.o
The lack of transformation in this film is appalling.
OMG Anakin respecced Dark Side!
There are so many criticisms I can't even start! I gotta go shovel walks.
Fuuuuuuck that was bad.
But the new trilogy is over.
P.S. way to put Luke right under Anakin's nose. He's MET those people! They had LUNCH!
2:09pm
Episode III summary:
ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST wookies! ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST younglings! ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST babies! ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
time for the 1/2 way break.
Thom is reading the opening crawl of episode iv, just like my dad used to.
but the POWER CONVERTERS!
"He was the best star pilot in the galaxy."
Really? REALLY?
i'll be the first to admit i have a big man-crush on Han Solo. he can smuggle my spices in less than 12 parsecs ANYday....
4:56 pm
Episode IV summary:
LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH jawas! LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH han solo! LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH LUKE'S A WHINY BITCH death star asplode!
laying off the beer for a while... also, alex needs to head out for an hour, so Episode V and VI will ahve to wait a bit
that boiled down very quickly to random searchings of wookiepedia. A New Hope is a great film, so there weren't many criticisms. I think I was having more fun ragging on the new ones. Now I'm just really tired.
Break time for Christmas treeing with the famn damily.
awwww! he brought me pizza!
"go to the degobah system. there you will learn from Yoda; the Jedi Master who instructed me."
George, did you even WATCH your old movies before making more? Jesus H. Force-Don't-Break Christ!
9:08
Episode V Summary:
AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME wampa! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME imperial walkers! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME bounty hunters! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME kissing!AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME
Empire.
oh my GOD!
The sets. The costumes. The effects. The Lando! The kiss! The love! The daring! The escape! The scandal! The treachery!
It's so god damn good!
Golden Bikini.
Shwing!
WE DID IT!
11:58pm
Episode VI Summary:
EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS jabba the hutt EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS yoda dies! EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS sister!? EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS EWOKS deth star II aplode! EWOKS EWOKS
and they all lived happily ever after in space.
the end
WOO! we did it in a day!
Way to think things through. They had to add things to the special edition when the DVDs came out to make sense with the new 3.
So, George made the special edition films to have Star Wars "the way he envisioned it" (aka SHIT) and then went back, made more shit, and realized the shit he added to the original three was enough shit and added MORE SHIT.
I think this is what happens when you have too much money and power. You want to make a sandwich, but all you have is pasta. Pasta is awesome. just make the god damn pasta. But, no. Instead, George makes the pasta, throws it out, and builds an Arby's on top of it.
An Arby's...
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